Sometimes I wonder, as I sit in a post-jewelry commercial stupor (after the vigorous reaffirmation of misanthropy but before the barely repressed urge to look up bleach-to-death ratios on the intraweb), if there is some sort of spreadsheet or graph that quantifies how much love every diamond is worth. I'd even settle for that bastard step-child of statistics, the pie chart, as long as someone found a way to inform me how this jazz works. After all, Christmas is coming, and if I don't know how to appropriately buy my friends' and family's affections for the coming year, I will be a very lonely (but marginally wealthier) man.
As I consider research anathema to an op-ed column (informed opinions are for real journalists), it's really rather disappointing that the advertisers don't just come up with some easily readable formula for poor saps like me. Spent too much time at work? That'll be a $120 bracelet and 5 minutes of sweet nothings (plus tax). Had an affair with the secretary/pool nongendered entity? A $2000 week long cruise, $700 diamond earrings, and an open bar to get the cycle started again. Promises to stop hitting mommy growing thin? That'll be a $300 game system, seven $50 games, and a giant new flat screen TV (flat screens are particularly good at drowning out distant crying; it's science, trust me). And don't forget, nothing says, "That hooker may be more attractive than you, but hey, look, a shiny necklace!" like a shiny necklace. Seriously. Anything else just confuses people (*knows from experience).
So I decided to write my own ads. Rhyming ads. Poorly rhyming slogans. I'd call it reciprocity, but I'm not quite sure what you've done to me, so let's just say...um... you called me fat and now we're even. (Jerk.)
Anyway: the bigger the jewel, the less you seem a fool. Or does the size of the rock compensate for the lack of your
But rhyming was sooo 1950s. Advertisers today are a lot more nuanced. Maybe I'll have better luck with those.
"Hey, big spender. If every kiss begins with Kay's, what do you think it'll take to get her in the sack?"
"With Markman's Jewelers, the moment is truly yours. After you buy it from us. That's right, buddy. We own time. Romance just costs extra."
"Is that a wallet in your pocket or are you just happy to BE ALONE FOREVER?"
Those just don't answer the "How much do I have to spend to make this dead stripper go away" million dollar question (it's actually $784,345, if you're wondering). Maybe this will work:
"Here at Orthodox Jewelers, we have just what you need to ensure your Christmas is ever so merry. Our "Affairs to Forget" special is going on right now, with all diamond necklaces selling at 6/7 off (and save 5/7 off the second with our Selective Memory discount)! But this Saturday only, all emerald and sapphire earrings come with a free relationship-saving guarantee: if you get dumped within a week after your gift, your next (lessthantendollarpurchase) purchase is free!. So drop on buy this weekend and don't just save your marriage: save your money. (some conditions and restrictions may apply. May cause heartbreak, poverty, or advanced renal failure)"
Oh well. Unfortunately this just seems to be yet another problem that I just can't solve. Let's chalk it up with AIDS and Ron Paul. It's a real shame, though. My only suggestion to the jewelry industry is that you should probably cut the plot and character development and stick with proven tactics. Short and sweet. What could possibly go wrong with "Ooo! Shiny! Buy!"?
Anyway. Have a good winter break. May your worries, like so many pants, be forgotten. See you in '08.
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