2.17

A week or so ago, you might remember that I wrote a column that more or less said "Voting rulez, do it plzkthx!" It was a low point in my op-ed career, one I'm not particularly proud of for a variety of reasons, mostly related to its lack of crass insinuations and its implicit pro-pants agenda (pants are, after all, what The Man wears). But it also presented me with a particularly inconvenient problem: I was now actually obligated to vote. Under normal circumstances, I could blame the promise and rhetoricizing upon some excessive quantity of illicit substance or, if that failed, blame it on my editor's oh-so-liberal bias (no matter how many times I write "The New York Times is a bunch of < >ing < > mong<>se <>ed sissy <>s" she just won't print it!). But I actually wrote in favor of something most Americans, of whatever political ideology, can either agree or not give a damn about. Voting it was.

So, on Tuesday (when this was written) I voted. I considered writing a column endorsing a candidate and discussing the races in depth, but instead I got hopped up on cough syrup, went King Lear on this jazz, and woke up mostly naked in the middle of Presidential Court an entire eight minutes, forty-three seconds later.

Long story short, the brutal hallucinations and subsequent torturous detox reminded me of what got me into op-eds in the first place: hatin'. Specifically, playa hatin'. So screw that whole "rational decision-making, promoting better dialogue and discussion of the more vital issues of our day" business. It's time to hate! I give you Presidential Playa Hatin' (REMIX).

1. Hillary Clinton: I, for one, am looking forward to eight more years of everyone in the media/youth/conservative base/America saying "Clinton sucks!" (or, as I like to call it, "Variation on a White House Clinton Theme"). It's a welcome change from "Bush sucks!" (or, as I like to call it, "A Non-Variable White House Bush Theme"). After Hillary's second term, it will be as if the Presidency is a game of pong, going back and forth for thirty six years, with all the promise and advancement that represents. At least we'll save tax dollars on stationery?

2. John McCain: Hey, guys, remember when a major party nominated a Vietnam war hero due to his many years of distinguished service as a Senator and his perceived electability going into a campaign against an increasingly unpopular and divisive opposition figure? How did that turn out, anyway... Oh, right. But that guy was, like, a total jackass. This McCain fellow? Old! I mean gold... Yeah... gold....

3. Barack Obama: Obama's been compared to JFK a fair number of times, to the point where I begin to wonder whether Ted Kennedy is advising him on policy or where to hide the hooker's body when the drugs finally wear off.

4. Rudy Giulliani: Considering Giulliani's abysmal showing thus far, I really wonder why he doesn't brand himself the REAL change candidate and start talking about ".818181818181" all the time. Amiright, Math Majors?

5. Mitt Romney: Romney must have aced plenty of exams to be valedictorian at BYU, but no matter how hard he tries, he still can't pass the Turing Test.

6. Ron Paul: Do you think Ron Paul's wife ever gets jealous of the Free Market?

*. LOCAL ELECTION BONUS: Randy Tyree: According to a reliable informant who was "on the UTK scene" back when it meant something, Randy Tyree is a "narc." While I'm not entirely sure what that means, even the most cursory of research will reveal that it is a time honored tradition amongst college students to do anything but vote for "A Narc," particularly if he is of "The Man" variety. With that said, in firm allegiance to my demographic, I promptly wrote in one Stephen Colbert for the position of Knox County Sheriff. I trust you'll do the same.