2.22

Much has been made about the threat of nuclear proliferation and the potential rise of biochemical warfare. Apparently (so I've been told), such things are certifiably "bad news." Frankly, I was under the impression that all news was bad news, seeing as no news is good news, old news is not news and new news is just silly.

Anyway, nuclear weapons. Like y-chromosomes, Mondale-Ferraro '86 paraphernalia, and syphilis, some people have them, others don't. But unlike the aforementioned (for lack of a better word) "things," those who don't have them generally want to get them. But the Washington bigwigs (not to be confused with the defunct 1837 obese male pattern baldness advocacy party, the Big Whigs), yet again, try to keep a brother down by doing everything they can to keep their club exclusive. In layman's terms, the "Nuclear Powerz Represent" facebook group is invite only. True story.

But, in the traditional vein of the tried and true "no fair!" argument, the non-nuclear nations are all "Why can the US government have weapons of mass destruction but not us? I'm telling!" A compelling case, made all the more reasonable by their big eyes, pouty lips, and incessant anti-American fearmongering and rabblerousing (unrelated side note: Why can't I major in either Fearmongering or Rabblerousing? Oh, right. I forgot about Psychology and Sociology. But, really, can you blame me?).

On closer inspection, these nations' cases make even more sense. Nuclear weapons, alone, don't hurt anybody. Well, they might. But that's always a risk one takes when messing with "The Science." Normally, though, nuclear weapons are perfectly fine. Hell, you could carry them in schools, shopping malls, court houses, airports, whatever, and as long as nobody uses them, drops them, pokes them, scans them, or sends even the vaguest of telepathic messages to them, everything is peachy keen!

"But Dylon!" you exclaim, as you struggle, in vain, to resist the SuDoKu for another minute while you skim this column, "why would you want to take nuclear weapons into any of those places anyway?" Well, let me put it this way. Let's say North Korea is in class, minding its own business, and, all of a sudden, Iran bursts into the room and is all "Nuclear Weaponz in the Hizouse!" Iran then starts tossing out nukes left and right 'cause Pakistan was playa hatin' or something, I don't know. Anyway, North Korea can't wait for America to get there because the US is like, out of town or hungover or something, and China is all "Hey, man, I've got a thing with some stuff, ok? I'll be there in, like, five minutes, Buddha damn it..." But North Korea needs nukes right now, to let Iran know who's who! (Or who was who, as the case would pretty much be). Otherwise, well, you'd have a regular disaster on your hands. Or what used to be your hands.

Some might argue, "But North Korea has no idea what the hell it's doing!" That's why we train them first! It's simple. Step one, how to use: get some scientists and engineers, have them fix it up all purty like, then press the big red button. Step two, when to use: only uses nukes in self-defense. Or if you're defending someone else. Or if you feel threatened. Or if you're, like, pretty much kinda certainly maybe sure that somebody else might nuke you in the not so distant, but still maybe awhile away future. Or whatever. Step three, enjoy. I mean, if they follow the guidelines, everything's fine! And, if not, well, we won't sit with them in the Hell cafeteria?

In summary, remember: Nuclear weapons don't kill lots of people. Rogue nation-states with nothing to lose (and nuclear weapons) kill lots of people. Well, radiation poisoning kills plenty of people, too. And cancer. And widespread lack of palatable food/water. And authoritarian governments that threaten their citizens and other governments with force, "disappearing" anyone who considers justified self-protection. And science. Especially science. Science kills, like, everyone.

And, speaking of science (if I have to), I guess I can't forget nuclear weapons. Those things suck, amiright? Wait a minute....