2.25

So, if you haven't noticed, it's, like, almost the end of the school year. You can tell because you don't have to wear a space heater on your back every time you're outside, it's much easier to start getting plastered before dark, and not wearing pants in public changes from "sado-masochistic eccentricity" to "commonly accepted good times." But, as, like, great as all that is, there are a couple things that also accompany the end of the school year that aren't nearly as, you know, awesome.

For instance: final exams. So here I am, all “woo! Summer! Sleepin’ til noon with impunity! Workin’ for minimum wage! Rockin’ frickin’ on! Woo!” Obviously, things are going pretty okay. Then my professors are like “I say young squire, we do so dislike to ‘dampen the festivities,’ as it were, but there’s just this last little bit of business that we’re ever so afraid you have to take care of before you scamper away hither and yon as you youths do so enjoy. We believe it involves substantial portions of your grade, questions with choices of multiple natures, essay prompts, and, well, for all we know gladiatorial matches to the death and congressional hearings and all that rot. Nothing serious, of course. Quite frankly, though, we’re a bit too busy with our research endeavors to really give a damn, but we distinctly recall that when we did write the exams, back in the 1950s, they were top notch material. Top notch, we say!” Totally harshing my mellow, ya know?

But then I remember that other end-of-the-year tradition. That’s right: professor evaluations! Hah! Shoe’s on the other…um… GPA now, sucka! I mean, sure, like most other things associated with the SGA, they may be unreliable, lacking standards, and completely trumped by the administration, but, by damn it, I’m going to give you a “very poor management of course time,” and you’re going to like it!

Well, maybe. That all kind of depends… The SGA may not set out objective measures for assessing evaluation, but I’m, like, all over that scene. My fellow students, please observe:

1. Grade in class: An A? Well, obviously the professor’s had excellent class contributions! Maybe a B+? I guess the content was good, but the teacher sure could have been available more. What if I have a D? Wait… I HAVE A D?! Well, if I’m going to the “poor” house, I’m sure as hell gonna take you with me!

2. Hot or Not: If the professor speaks perfect English, substitute the Hot or Not scenario. I mean, who wants to listen to Dr. McUggostein’s Nuclear Physics lecture when that graduate assistant teaching pre-calculus is, like, soooo dreamy?

3. Validation: If a professor writes on my papers that I, like, totally rock, then they obviously have excellent taste and their scores should reflect that. I mean, reasserting my superiority is the definition of an excellent contribution to the course, amiright? Whereas disparaging comments like “good start, but needs more work” or “I think the University of Alabama might be a better fit for your… peculiar and imaginative writing style” deserve fair’s and go to hell’s respectively.

4. Personality: If the professor is all “Oh, about that test… I didn’t get around to writing it last night because I spent it all baking cookies for everyone instead. I really hope you won’t mind” then I’d consider the content of class superb. If the professor says, “no, you can’t count a kegger your roommate thought was ‘wicked sick, dude’ as a peer-reviewed secondary source,” well, I’d say there’s significant room for improvement.

Obviously you can devise all kinds of criteria yourself, but hopefully these suggestions will help you equitably and adequately assess your professors before they totally and unfairly excoriate you in the exams and evaluations to come. Who’s the one with the 1.7 GPA now, OLD MAN?!