Well, it’s been over a week since the Academy Awards nominees were announced, and I’m still shocked. I mean, I’ve been waiting for MONTHS for someone to get around to telling me what I should think the best movies of 2008 were.
But then, that’s why we use lists and awards, right? To tell us what we thought we knew, but, like, totally didn’t? Well, I was thinking. Why does this only apply to movies, music, and daytime soaps? So I did some research and guess what: It doesn’t! Therefore, I, myself, have compiled a list of often overlooked or maligned lists and awards enabling you to discover which of your opinions are right and which of them are just stupid. Like you. Stupid.
I did not, however, provide most of the content for the awards/lists. Because that would be plagiarism.. And plagiarism is wrong. Just like your opinions.
Anyway, the lists (in some particular, but unspecified, order):
Top 10 Ways to Disarm a Ferret: There are some things every person needs to know to survive, and there are some things that every person needs to know ten different ways of doing in order to survive. This is not one of them.
Sexiest Libertarian of the Year: Who would want to infringe upon an individual’s right to be sexy? Not me, that’s for sure. But some people are created sexier than others, and their betterness deserves to be heralded to the masses. Just look, don’t touch.
Pretty Mediocre Achievement by a Female Minority of non-Protestant Upbringing in an Otherwise Patriarchal, Eurocentric Medium: In order to award good works in various fields by individuals who, traditionally, are overlooked, some institutions establish (or are established to provide) awards that are only available to certain demographics. This award just takes that a step further and asks the question: Why do we have to only award high caliber achievement? What about all the merely average work that gets overlooked year after year in our “quality based value system?” This award seeks to remedy that problem once and for all.
Most Boring Dinner Party Story as Told By a Mid-Level Bureaucrat or Professor Working for a Government Institution: Previously, this award was limited to midlevel bureaucrats. However, it soon became quite apparent that college professors had the egos, the banal insights, and the overinflated self-importance to match even your local Senior Vice President of the Chairmenship Committee for the Improvement of Committee Name Improvements. So they began to be included in this category. Of course, that was back in the summer of 1967, when the socioeconomic plight of the South African Hutsu tribe, which I was studying after my extremely successful tenure at Harvard, began to exorbitantly…
Outstanding Individual Efforts in Procrastination for 2007-2008: You’ll get it. Eventually.
National Champion for Div. I College Football: No list of ridiculous awards and inane categorizations would be complete without the BCS. I mean, at least the Academy Awards gave WALL-E a screenwriting nod. All Utah got was a victory over Alabama. Actually, that doesn’t sound half bad…
Top 10 Ways to Get Indicted for First Degree Murder: Nothing could do this list justice short of a sample - 1. Tell someone you’re going to kill them in front of lots of people. Kill them in front of lots of people. Admit you killed them in front of lots of people (preferably a jury). 2. Actually, that first one’s pretty good. Just do that again.
Best Dyaln Mgegs 2008: Sigh. There’s always next year, right? I mean, it’s all politics anyway. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll see you in hell, Dyaln Mgegs of Springfield, Illinois d.o.b. 5/27/87! Hell, I say! [this answer edited to thwart google]
Best Awards Deliberating Body 2008: “It’s us! Aren’t we the greatest? Yes. Yes we are. If you don’t believe us, just ask all those people we just gave awards to! They thought we were the bees knees, and their opinions ought to matter, right, because they’ve won prestigious awards. Likes ours!” - Awards Deliberating Body for the Deliberation of Awards, winner of Best Awards Deliberating Body 2008
Hopefully this has whetted your appetite, inspiring you to seek out even more arbitrary categorizations that demonstrate how dumb you really are. And if this column helped, in some small capacity, to expose you as a philistine and all around nincompoop, well, maybe it too will appear on some list someday. Here’s hoping!
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