3.26 (Unpublished, Uncensored, Director's Cut!)

The following column is a desperate plea for hate mail. In my three years at the Beacon, I have had an incredible dearth of vitriol, polemic, and general ire sent in my direction. I can only assume this means that, as an op-ed columnist, I am a failure. In a desperate attempt to redeem myself in these twilight hours of my Beacon experience, two weeks ago I decided to try to attract the animosity of those who I think would write the very best hate mail: creative writing majors. I did this not only because I assumed they could write well, but also because they almost certainly have nothing better to do with their sad, wasted lives.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. I don't understand! What's a brother got to do to get some premo-quality animosity up in this grill? Time is running out, you jerks. It's time to take out the big guns. Having read plenty of source material, in this and other papers, I am going to attempt to be as nasty and insulting as I possibly can. If the media is any indication, hate and rage sell. And I’m all about the selling. So I needs the hatemails! I needs them!

In that spirit of unbridled condescension and contempt, get ready for some player hateage like you ain't never seen!

So, um, how bout those black people? Pretty stupid, amiright? They should, like, get smart and get jobs! Oh right, they can't because they are black. Here's some advice black people: Be white!

And women! Walking around all day with their boobs and pretty dresses and what not. Who do they think they are? Heck if I know. All I know is I am hungry and the house is dirty. Whose fault is that? Theirs. Collectively. Get with the program, ladies!

You know what else sucks? Freedom. Voting? Pretty lame. And don't get me started on guns! I don't think anyone should have guns. Even the army. Screw 'em! The troops can go to hell, as far as I'm concerned. Or, better yet, they can stay in Iraq. With all the terrorists. Who are AWESOME. I totally bet all on terrorists the other day. I'm going to make a killing!

In related news: Abortions. Discuss.

So I was watching the news and Presidon't O-bum-a was giving more money away to banks. I was totally cheering him on, even though he is a terrible Muslim black stupid head. Good thing the Republicans are going to have tea while the nation is burning down! Who do they think they are, French? What a bunch of racists!

Oh, here are some undisputed FACTS:

1. Pixar blows chunks. My 6 year old cousin can draw better than you, and she's retarded. And black. And a girl. Go back to your etch-a-sketches, nerds!
2. The GDP of the United States in the year 2003 was over 9000. It is now 3. OBAMA DID IT.
3. The capitol of Iowa is San Francisco. Wikipedia FTW.
4. Omg u guyz hanna montanaz n I luv edward cullen he is my bf grrlz lawllolololo!!!!!1!
5. As alluded to in the above sentence, I, as a male, love Edward Cullen, who, although a vampire, also qualifies as a male, thus making me a homosexual. I AM COMING FOR YOUR CHILDREN NEXT.



That comment up above? About betting all on terrorists? That's a Counterstrike joke. I got it, so I'm better than you. Also, I play games where I shoot people and like it. You should too!

Sex. It's awesome and/or terrible. Whenever someone asks me, “Hey Dylan, how much anonymous and irresponsible sex do you have without condoms or the remotest inkling of love?” I always respond, “I don't know, your mom doesn't give receipts.”

Finally, you. You are, like, dumb. All of your ideas? Totally worthless. You're going to grow up to be a loser, living in your parent's basement thinking about how all your exes are beautiful and attractive and rich and totally turned their life around after they realized they had hit rock bottom by dating you. You probably don't even know what you're going to do with your worthless life. Even if you do, it's going to be terrible and/or you're going to be terrible at it. God is dead. I went to the coroner’s office the other day and IDed the body. He’s probably better off for it. Because life is miserable and pointless, all the moreso because you’re in it.

You, um, stinky fart smelling stupid face?

HATE PLZKTHX.

[I think I’m going to be sick.]