Column 1

Now, I know many of you are wondering "Who is this new columnist?" "What does he stand for?" "Why isn't he wearing pants?" Well, all of these questions are perfectly valid and should be answered in a candid and only marginally indecent manner. You see, dear reader, I want to make it clear: I have no agenda, no bias lurking in the shadows, armed with a handgun of coercion, waiting in the dark alleyways of independent college publications to leap out, steal the wallet of your mind, reap its twenty bucks of clear thought, take its various credit cards of predisposed ideals, and... um... then I'll call you fat? The point is, my goal is to be as clear and lucid as possible in regards to my motives and ideas. So, with that in mind, I have a confession:

I, Dylan Fort Meggs, am a liberal. And, as a liberal, I hate everything.

You see, there is a simple distinction between liberals and conservatives. Liberals want everything to change, meaning all this "relatively stable political system" nonsense simply must go. They are commonly heard to sullenly mutter, "If it ain't broke, it sure as hell ought to be!" Conservatives, on the other hand, love everything and want it to stay the exact same way it was before you damn kids stepped on the dagblasted grass. (I swear to God, I will call your parents, you see if I won't!) They wish to return to the peaceful days of yore when everyone was still excited over that whole "wheel" fad (which, by the way, was clearly just another "fire" imitator). You may say, "But doesn't that mean that conservatives hate the present as much as liberals, just, you know, backwards?" That's ridiculous! You see, conservatives don't hate. They just love vehemently.

Yes, don't be fooled by these so called "progressives" with their "aid for the poor" and "fair tax codes." No, these are simply facets of an all too common affliction in these "book learnin' institutions" : liberal guilt.

We liberals can't stand ourselves. We have too much spare time, too much money, too much food, and way too much alcohol. (Seriously, people, there are better role models than Ted Kennedy). Because of this abundance in the face of so much abject poverty throughout the world, we feel the need to forever atone. And we do this by ruining your life.

We take your money. We corrupt your children. We recycle your trash. We even have the audacity to minimize your wages. I mean, really. A sane person with a healthy self-esteem would create a maximum wage, so everyone would know when they can finally stop trying. But no. FDR, that ole Commie in sheep's pajamas, had to make a minimum wage. I ask you, and not for the last time, why is The Man always trying to keep a brother down?

But what of conservatives? Well, conservatives don't want to ruin your life. On the contrary! They want to balance the budget and constrain spending, not to mention limiting government involvement in daily life. Of course, this goal is often distorted by the liberal media. So they want to make restrictions upon whether consenting adults can marry, big deal! It's not like they want to track your phone calls, enhance an already mind-blowing national debt, retard the progress of innovation in medical science, or outlaw candy. I mean, who would outlaw candy? Everyone loves candy! That's crazy talk!

Fortunately, those aren't the sorts of a things a true conservative would do. Much like a true liberal wouldn't let such hypothetical individuals succeed, much less offer support. If these things actually happened, it'd be as if our political system and the ideologies behind it were based upon lies! But if there's one thing we can count on, it's honesty in politics. Thank goodness.

And I vow to exercise that same straightforward honesty in every column I write. You're welcome.