Column 2

After my first column, many people said to me Dylan You seem like a wise and, dare I say, sexy young gentleman. Do you have any advice about how I should spend my collegiate years? Of course, by many people I mean one person. Whom I paid. A lot of money. And a goat.

Point being, in my admittedly brief stay at the college thing, I have learned some important facts of life that I feel will greatly enrich all of your lives.

1. A "Dr." in front of someone's name does not mean they are qualified for medical practice. Still, you'd think a philosophy professor would at least know CPR. Ah, Reginald MacKansington from Philosophy 117, you will be missed. Metaphysically speaking, of course.

2. Saturday, or "Pants Optional Day," is not meant for productivity. It is a day devoted to cleaning up the filth and squalor resulting from Friday night, right after you've figured out how you ended up upside down, hanging on a clothes hanger from your ceiling fan, wearing a bra that, you're pretty sure, isn't yours (at least, it wasn't Friday morning). It's true, many individuals do not progress past this initial step, but that's where "Amnesia Sunday" comes in.

3. There are times in every young man/woman's life when they consider investing in antique China glassware and/or a $5000 Persian carpet for their dorm. Now should not be that time.

4. I know many people may claim that "dry campus" is something of a misnomer, but I'm here to tell you, don't underestimate the barren wasteland that is The Rocky Top. Indeed, many a visitor from exotic locales like The Sahara, Brazil, and Topeka have been heard to say, upon arriving, "Dayum boy, it's hot!" And, indeed, these foreign invaders do not lie. Heatstroke, dehydration, and coyote attacks are all par for course in these here parts. You see, the campus is dry because all the water's in the air. (And the river. But I'm still convinced that's a delusion. Kinda like the entire month of February. Something just ain't right about a month that changes days...) So, you know, drink a lot. To stay healthy. And stick it to The Man. And by "The Man" I mean "atmospheric conditions relatively outside mankind's control."

5. Rocky Top will always be home sweet home to thee, until UT loses to South Carolina. However, once they've lost to Vanderbilt, you may as well move to Virginia and consider yourself an expatriate, like Hemingway. Except without the whole "writing ability" thing. The excessive drinking can stay, though.

6. During college, you'll be prompted to experiment in all manner of lascivious, dangerous, and, potentially, profitable ways. However, none of these experiments should involve hydrochloric acid, your tongue, and the defense of your street cred. I speak from experience. Or would. IF I STILL HAD A TONGUE.

7. Like the Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable Snowman, and the US Tax Code, the Big Orange Screw is an elusive, yet pervasive monster that terrorizes students, faculty, and impoverished, unsuspecting orphans alike. In fact, the very bureaucracy that composes the Screw is simultaneously at its unrelenting, callous mercy. If you ever encounter this horrendous monstrosity, you have three options: You can fight the system (and lose). You can know someone who can get things done (and win). Or you can be pretty (and call me).

8. Babies happen. You have been warned.