Column 5

On this homecomingest of homecoming weeks, I thought I would share a story with you folks. A story of liberty, justice, and the American Partay that is as ancient and delicious as apple pie deep-fried in freedom. It is the story of how Football saved The World.

You see, years ago, when cell phones and cameras were antithetical and the Internet was the Internot, there used to be lots of problems in the world. You know, things like poverty, war, and ten slices of pizza for, like, thirteen people. In other words, Hell on earth. And, although our advanced, modern perspectives would tell us that these problems are all negligible results of poor middle management, back then, it was pretty dicey. And no one wanted to do anything about it.

Well, ok, sure. Occasionally somebody would be like, "Hey, guys, you want to, you know, stop poking ourselves in the eye and do something, like, cool with the helping folks and stuff?" But then everyone would get bashful and be all, "Well, like, I would, but I've gotta, you know, wash my unicorn. And give my yeti a manicure. And stuff. You know, that stuff don't get done by itself!" And they had a point. Unicorns do not wash themselves. It was quite the conundrum.

But some individuals were worried. They were all, "Hey, you know, maybe we ought to care about something or do something before we, like, get absorbed by our sofas or die of ennui or whatever." So they kept their eyes peeled and their ears peeleder and, soon enough, they found the source of the problem: Nihilists.

Some of you may not know what a nihilist is. And that's cool. Basically, a nihilist is somebody who spends all their time kicking puppies, punching infants, and saying things like, "Hey, man, don't impose your worldview on me, man. I'm, like, diverse." Truly, their position was unassailable.

So these individuals were perplexed. They wanted to care about something, but the nihilists always convinced everyone that it was all, like, relative and stuff. Caring was ok, if you were into that sorta thing, but, more often than not, it just resulted in things like "ethical quandaries" and "responsibility for one's actions" which were major buzz kills. In other words, caring, passion, and values were only for people who wanted to be all "The World is ending and no one gives a damn!" And no one wants to give a damn. I mean, those things are ex-spen-sive!

Then, an epiphany. What if there was a way to care, to really pour your soul into something that was simultaneously of epic importance, enjoyable for the whole family, and impossible to hold yourself personally accountable for? Could such a panacea really exist?

The discerning individuals wracked their brains, got bored, started throwing things at each other and running around all crazy-like without regard to personal space or international law. Gradually, this process was refined into an exemplary display of finesse, strategy, and bravado. People loved it.

And that, my friends, is how Football Came To Be. Sure, a nihilist could still say "Hey, man, that's like, dumb." But with a witty retort such as "Your face is dumb!", in between plays, the nihilist would be rendered powerless.

As time passed, the core ideas of "Football" were expanded. We got TV, video games, and a vast array of Shiny Things. All impervious to the assaults of the nihilist. Because although a nihilist can wrong your rights, devalue your values, dispirit your spirituality, even throw down on your K-town, he can never taint your entertainment. And without that, what else would be safe to care about?

Ah, thank god for Football!