Column 4

Procrastination. The word alone inspires a sense of masochistic relief, serving as an emergency stopgap measure against the swirling vortex that is "stuff to do." Again and again we ask ourselves, "Why do tomorrow what I can do October 12, 2064?" and the answer is a resounding "I haven't the foggiest idea!" But procrastination is not just an idea. Oh no. It is a way of life! An art that, once refined, can be used to accomplish truly superhuman feats that are at once awe-inspiring and thoroughly unnecessary.

The first virtue of procrastination is its ability to make even the most mundane and inane acts fascinating. In ye olden times, people would chain a bear in the center of a pit and set a pack of rabid dogs against it, resulting in the wanton pain, mauling, and grotesque disfigurement of countless animals. The kids loved it. The adults did too, of course, but that's because back in the 17th century, folks had nothing to do but be poor and die or be rich and watch other things die. Now, in the 21st century, people only die in imaginary places like "Hogwarts" and "Africa." However are we expected to be entertained?

Well, my friend, there is hope. Procrastination! You don't need intellectual stimulation or elaborate imaginative devices (like Sesame Street, cocaine, etc). While procrastinating, everything from shocking news stories about the rising costs of raising chia pets to contemplating the metaphysical implications of the word "metapseudolimation" becomes tantamount to the highest quality entertainment you've ever seen. It's just that effective.

Procrastination also builds self-confidence. Generally speaking, when you procrastinate, you start to work a little and then think "Hey, this isn't so bad. I can so do this in half the time I expected." So you stop, poke yourself in the eye with a broken piece of glass, and then repeat the process. Eventually, you end up with a great deal of work and very little time to complete said assignment. Actually overcoming this self-imposed obstacle proves you not only rock, but probably won't have to do any work ever again while still making straight A's. Because you're just that good.

For instance. Last semester, I had a paper to write. For the purposes of this column, let's say it had to be, oh, 37 pages long about the migration patterns of the South African Fruit Wallaby. Now, why this would count 78% of the final grade for a class called Philosophy 782: "Nietzsche v. Grapefruit: Why Philosopher's Hate Spoons", I honestly could not tell you. Suffice it to say, I waited until the last possible moment to begin. And I don't mean, like, the night before. I mean the teacher said "Hey, guys, guess what time it is? That's right. It's paper time," and I was like, "Well steal my kidney and call me Susan, I got myself a paper to... pape!" So I did. All 37 pages. In, approximately, fifteen seconds. Yeah, sure. I got a B+. But no one's perfect!

In other words, I'm pretty cool. Ever since then, I've tried to see how far I can take this art of delayed do-ification. This week, I had to "write a column for a periodical of reputable... repute." In other words, the thing you're reading Right Now. However, truth be told, I haven't actually completed it. I won't complete it until January 45, 2089, when I finish the time machine I'd been meaning to build since last Christmas. I would have finished that sooner, but first I had to ascertain the origin of existence. And make myself a sandwich. Both of which I will tell you about. Later. Right now, I've got stuff to do. This paint sure ain't gonna watch itself dry...