Column 8

Upon the conclusion of this Week of the Woman, I'm prompted to reflect upon what it means to truly "be a man." Feminism has perverted the once noble endeavor of maintaining one's masculinity, turning it into a pursuit for nonsensical, abstract ideals such as "cooperation," "compassion," and "making me fix my own goddamn sandwich." To make matters worse, there is no "Month of Manliness" to assist me, no "Testosterone Tuesday" to guide me, not even a "Masculine Minute" to aid me in my introspection. Frankly, it leaves a guy feeling kinda left out. Everywhere I go, I'm inundated with pictures consisting solely of scantily clad women, always trying to sell me things like deodorant, accordions, and mutual bonds (fiscally speaking, of course). It gets worse. Women seem to dominate integral fields of Americana, like advertising, modeling, figure skating, and cancelled WB TV show demographics, to name a few. But, o, would that visibility was the extent of their insidious influence!


Some people may tell you that this feminism thing is only corrupting 'the ladies,' but, believe me, nothing could be further from the truth. We men are under attack. After centuries of being callous bastards (it's tradition, damn it!), suddenly we're expected to give a damn about what other people think, feel, and interpret as international law? Why, just yesterday, some jerk held the door open for me for no reason. Yes, me! Everyone knows you're only supposed to hold doors open for girls and the elderly, 'cause such complicated machinery is too much for their "intellectually challenged" minds to handle. When you walk into a doorway before another dude, you shut the door on his face and you like it! That sort of uncompromising jackassosity is what manliness is all about!

Then there's this whole "empathy" and "compassion" nonsense. "Other people have feelings, too?" Yeah, well, other people have routine bowel movements, but I'm sure as hell not going to think about them! "I feel your pain?" Well, great. Now we're both miserable. Way to go! "You should try to improve your interpersonal relationships to facilitate harmony and support on a daily basis." What does that even mean?! I just used it in a sentence and even I can't define it! If that isn't the definition of confusing, then I don't know what is. (Seriously. If it isn't, I really need to know.)

And then there's that insufferable call for equality! You want equality? Fine. No more of this "I don't hit girls." We're hitting everybody. Babies, priests, ambassadors. You name it, we're beating it to a pulp. You don't like pulp? Too bad. This ain't no stinkin' orange juice. I didn't want to have to resort to unrestricted violence. But noo. We have to apply our animosity equally. Jesus H. Christ...

Oh, I can't forget about that whole "nurturance" thing. Trust me, you don't want me to raise kids. I can't even raise corn! I tried babysitting, once. The kid cried for hours! Something about peanuts or allergies or 'itchy burning in my tummy" or call 911 or something. Kids say the craziest things, am I right? Point is, I missed, like, half of the football game, and it ruined my week. "What? No, I didn't see that catch. I was googling CPR. For reals." That jazz ain't cool. And, naturally, I can only assume my fellow man would share my experience. I mean, women are all the same, why wouldn't we be? That's, like, science.

So, guys, be careful. If you're not, you might just wake up full of X chromosomes, exactly like they want. Exactly like them. I mean, next thing you know there'll be a "Year of the Human," like gender don't even matter. Puh-leaze.