Column 9

Well, boys and ghouls, it’s the scariest time of year once again. No, it’s not Tax Day. No, we still have another two weeks til Election Day (right? Right?! Good lord, my shelter only has enough food for a year! Tell me we have more time!) Ahem. Valentine’s Day? Wow, that is good… Alright, fine. It’s Halloween. And, as with every Halloween, we’re greeted with that old eternal question: Trick or Treat?

Now, I know most people capitulate to the societal demands of Big Candy and their insidious beneficiary Big Dental. However, there are rare occasions when an individual absolutely refuses to part with their precious chocolate stock. For such dire and unfortunate circumstances, I have some suggestions that just might do the trick.

1. So as not to waste valuable foodstuffs, I would suggest that in lieu of egging at the house, you should be egging on the house. That’s right. You ought to insult that home like nobody’s business. Here are some surefire ways to pun-ish miserly crimes against candy:

“Psh, home is where the heart is? More like home is where the stupid is!”

“I could kick your glass any day of the week!”

“O, I’m sorry, was that paneful? Not so adoorable now, are you?”

“Living quarters? You’re not even worth a dime!”

2. Scary movie marathon on the lawn. If they pretend they’re not home, then surely they won’t mind a little cinematic partay upon their porch. Steal some TVs, invite some friends, break out the “pants optional” banners, and have yourself a grand old time. Personally, I’m a fan of horror films such as Biodome, Fahrenheit 9/11, and When Harry Met Sally. Pauly Shore and Michael Moore in that diner.... oh the inhumanity!

3. Voting. Nothing says “What do you mean twenty three’s too old for Halloween?” like electing an idiot to run the jerk’s country for them.

4. Diabetic seizure. Not an option for everyone, but if you’re refused candy often enough, this is a great way to lay on the guilt. You convulsing on the ground inches away from supposed salvation will make that miserly son-of-a-witch think twice before barring you from your chocolate again!

5. Underachievement. There are few things more frightening than wasted potential, a once rising star now destined for abject mediocrity. (I should know, I’m an English Major.) You don’t want to give out candy? Fine. I don’t want a better tomorrow. So there!

6. Genocide. It’s a bit overdone, yeah, but what better way to say “The joke’s on you, sucker!” than ethnic cleansing?

7. Reproduction. Yes, the propagation of one’s species is an innate biological drive. However, it also happens to be really annoying! We’ve already hit 300 million people, but why stop there? How about 400 million? 900 million? Hell, let’s make it a baker’s dozen! Upon enough successful generations, you will have created so many children that there won’t be any candy (much less food) left for anyone! If you can’t get free sugary goodness, no one can.

8. And, finally, if you run out of ideas, there’s always forgiveness. And by “forgiveness” I mean “grand theft auto.” Not only is it a video game, it’s also a felony! That means the sirens and subsequent firefight will keep them up all night long. That’s what we in the vengeance business call “bonus points.”

I hope you’ll find these suggestions helpful and, perhaps, think of some of your own. Just remember: petty revenge is truly the sweetest treat of all.