Devoted readers, once again, I have failed you. Despite my voter deactivation drives, my "Forget About The Vote" campaign, and my desperate devotetional prayers, I was unable to stop that scourge of disinterested apathy, the United States election.
Now hundreds of thousands of innocent individuals will be electorally processed into homogenized units of sanitized democracy. The taint of representative government will linger in the air, befouling all they touch, dream, and, dare I say it, digest. My peers, I warn you! Do not fall prey to this baneful ballot, this veritably vicious vote of venality and vice. Pray, do you even know what this election could do to our country? Have you not heard the dark whispers of our most trusted pundit prophets, foretelling the doom of our nation should one Party or another obtain control? Well, be forewarned: the following scenarios are as dire as they are certain. Abandon all hope, ye valued demographic, and despair!
Yea, if the Democrats prevail, we are in for two years the likes of which you have never seen and will never wish to endure again! First, in order to truly prepare, we must assume that these pernicious peddlers of populist perdition capture all of our lovely legislative branch (praise God Almighty that the entire tree is outside their grasp... for now). Verily, if this grim prediction comes to fruition, their first act will undoubtedly be to withdraw all armed forces not only from the war-torn deserts of Iraq, but from the entire planet! Even our own country will be vacated, left defenseless to the clever marketing and corrupting whims of an all too cruelly globalized world.
Where will our valiant protectors be sent, you ask? Why, if they cannot inhabit the earth they must be sent to Mexico, in exchange for legion upon legion of unholy hispanics who will destroy not only our jobs and families, but our very souls! This is but one of a multi-pronged attack, wherein traditional family values will be drawn, quartered, and dimed. Babies will be used for kindling. Bibles will be recycled and reprocessed as lesbian harlequin romances. Jesus will marry Mohammed and cohabitate with Buddha and a goat. THE END, SHE IS NIGH!
But lo, what if, horror upon horror, it is the Republicans who retain their grim grip on our grotesque government? With their renewed mandate, they will proceed to cull all Sin from our great land. No sods will be mized. No jays will be walked. No doms will be conned. Night and day you will be watched not only by cameras but robots who know how to do only two things: Recite The King James Bible [Unabridged] and Induce Spontaneous Anguish [in either pill or laser form].
These robots will not cost the taxpayers, though, because there will be no such thing as taxes. Instead, the robots will be bought with the profits from the sale of the Department of Education to Haliburton. War will be declared upon the United Nations and our globe will be incinerated like a once fruity poptart in this cosmic microwave we call life.
But what of the independents and moderates, you ask? If the Congress should somehow become equally divided, well, I can see only one possible recourse: Pants will not merely be encouraged, no. They will be Mandated. Can you imagine a world where a man cannot walk amongst a sea of his fellows clad only in the pasty whiteness that his creator bestowed upon him? I, for one, can only shudder at the thought.
These visions I have foretold. Only by not voting will you be able to say in some dark, dystopian future, "Hey, don't blame me. I was pro-oligarchy." You have been warned.
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