Column 23

Dear Recording Industry Association of America (“RIAA” to their peeps and acronymophiles [“A’s”] alike),

Thank you for FINALLY standing up to the little guy! It is about time someone reigned in those swarms of free downloaders and showed them who wears the corporate lawyers in these here parts. Your terror campaign of firing off lawsuits like whiffs of grapeshot against the teeming masses of insidious college students, subversive school children, maniacal senior citizens, and other working professionals, has been an inspiration to all individuals, like myself, who hate people who siphon thousands of millions of tens of dollars away from the deserving cultural elite. I just can’t stand it when real, hardworking artists like Britney Spears and the Black-eyed Peas can’t even afford proper rehab (none of this “normal crack-head” crap), much less adequate pimpage of cribs.

The people who illegally download music are criminals. This is an undisputed fact. That means they are a threat to not only the Recording Industry’s wallet, but America’s as well. I mean, next thing you know it won’t be just be stolen music, but stolen pictures, stolen words, hell, some particularly perverted individuals might even figure out a way to download/steal sex! And, if my logical fallacies are correct, stealing sex is pretty much rape, right? So there you have it. We are dealing with a bunch of rapists and thieves, sitting at their computers destroying society at 112kilobytes a second. My friends, these aren’t just pirates, these are Vikings!

You know, I don’t think $3000 fines are going to be good enough, RIAA. Whatever happened to the good ole days when intimidation was hardcore? I mean, if you stole something from the mob, they shot your dog, broke your legs, and ensured your honor student got a goddamned 78 on their next history test. That’s high quality scare-tactics. And you’re, what, a multi-million, dare I say billion dollar organization, getting beat by a bunch of smalltime crooks? I assure you, RIAA, you’re anything but smalltime. So, for Gandhi’s sake, start popping some caps! Firebomb dorms, flood nursing homes, blind people with hot pokers (or backgammons, where applicable)! Actually, you know what would be even better? Since each song is like an artist’s child, whenever someone downloads a song, steal a frickin’ baby. It doesn’t even have to be theirs. Just do it. Get all Rumpelstiltskin up in their grills, if need be. That’ll keep them guessing. An eye for an eye, my friend. An eye for an eye.

And, I mean, it’s not just you big labels that are taking hits. It’s all those indie kids with their eye shadow and their radical backpack patches and their “subversion of normative practices like ‘self-esteem’ and ‘productivity.’ Stealing from them hurts the most, cause they ain’t got no money to begin with! If people would just stop illegally downloading and, as a result, listening to their music, we could finally stop being exposed to them in the first place. We would never have to hear of them, and their dreams could be properly crushed in the isolated obscurity they deserve. Trust me, I’m a Liberal Arts Major (even its acronym is so pathetic it’s one letter short of LAME). If there’s one thing a giant research-riddled university has taught me, it’s about how to kill a dream with isolated obscurity. In fact, I don’t even consider myself an “English Major” so much as a “Dream Assassin.” Hence my inclination towards a career in Education…

I wish I could feel even more of your pain, RIAA. But, unfortunately, I’m not a massive organization responsible for millions of dollars a year. I’m not even an artist spending hours working on an entertaining and/or meaningful piece to be sold for the benefit of humanity. After all, I don’t get paid (the editor says he “hires”; I prefer “entraps”). But take my words and actions as evidence that I’m right there with you. Keep on fighting, my little Goliath. Keep on fighting.