Column 25

Well folks, last column. I could fill this with thank you’s, parting shots, pipe bomb recipes, or the bemoaning of finals but that stuff is for squares (and arguably tetrahedrons). Instead, I will fulfill my promise from last week and now ever so humbly present:

TEN THINGS THAT TOTALLY SUCK OTHER THAN FINALS (WORKING TITLE)

1. Genocide (et al): Yes. Raping, grotesque violence, orphans, and guilt-ridden white people are bad for all those hundreds of thousands of folks who are, you know, the victims. But what about us? What about how genocide affects me? I’m the one who has to read about it once every two weeks on Page 27 of “World and Other Irrelevant Stuff” in the paper and get slightly disheartened/disillusioned before turning to Sports. Do you think that’s easy for me? As if.

2. Readers Responses: OR LACK THEREOF. Seriously. I give you a chance to submit all sorts of things for this list that only had a moderately significant chance of being ignored, and what do I get? Zilch. Nothing. Pancakes with no cake, my friends. I mean, I don’t even get quality hate mail. All the rest get plenty of hate. Lumley, Boyd, Hedgepeth, hell, Weatherall even got the wrath of an entire department. And what do I get? Not even a “u r retard, haha.” The editor doesn’t even take me seriously enough to censor me! Jesus H. Christ, you communist racists!

3. Limiting Word Counts: I’m halfway done, and already I

4. Necrotizing Fasciitis: Seriously. It’s like… yogurt, but with teeth instead of fruit.

5. Lists (And the people who make them): Boring, contrived, and so easy an Exercise Science major can adequately formulate them. They’re kind of like the literary equivalent of the fake orgasm, except everyone’s dissatisfied and, I don’t know, one person has cancer?

6. Postmodern Humor: See what I did in #5? Yeah. Did it hurt? Did you think “Wow, this guy’s a jackass!” I hope you answered yes (and that you write me hateful, hateful responses about it). Because, let’s face it, if it’s self-referential, it’s already been done. Which brings me to

8. English Majors: “Professionally Unemployed” took too much ink, so they shortened it to “Philosophy.” “The Poor (Hu)Man’s Philosophy Major” took even more ink, so they shortened it to “English.” “I majored in Liberal Arts and NOW I EAT STYROFOAM PEANUTS, OMG HELP ME” was considered bad PR, so they came up with “Education.” True story.

9. Vacuum Cleaners: Noise pollution, energy consumption, that mysterious burning smell. Hell, even the very act of cleaning is depressing: no matter how often you do it, you’re always going to have to do it again. You just can’t beat entropy (I have the ever so gradually healing bruises to prove it). If that’s not suckage, I don’t want to know what is! (Seriously. I’m already an English/Women’s Studies Major. My foundation of reality is shaky as is. All it would take is one slight push, and I’ll do something carazy. Like, you know, MAJOR IN BUSINESS.)

10. Seniors: Just cause they be graduatin’, they be thinkin’ they can forget ‘bout all us peeps up in the scholastic crib. Well, I gots news, son (and/or daughter). I AIN’T NO CHARITY SERVICE. (I’m looking at you, Wes ‘I just need two more bucks for another lapdance’ Boling.)

(10.578). Finals: What? They do! Find me a person who likes finals, and I’ll find you a person to poke them in the eye.

X (Where X=All Real Numbers). Pants: Many people have asked me, “Dylan, why do always say you dislike pants? I am pretty sure every time I see you, you are always wearing them. I mean, you do not even wear shorts. Just pants. But all these columns things say, like, pants are bad and stuff. What is the deal?” Well, you see, pants are not-

TO BE CONTINUED

(i. Season Finales suck, too, just in their own special way. See you next year!)