Season 2, Column 1

So you’ve finally made it to college. You’ve slept with the right teachers, plagiarized the right papers, and decided that, while UT is hardly the Harvard of the South, its’ Wal-Mart-esque prices, almost pathological addiction to light orange, and “You’re not a Number, you’re a source of revenue with a Number” mentality (not to mention the quintessential mediocrity that is Knoxville, TN) is just the most perfectly perfect fit for you. Sure, you may have considered some other schools that might have better credentials or compassion or a soul. And, sure, you might have just made THE WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE. But don’t worry! Graduate school (and even more crippling debt) is only four agonizing years of hangovers, buckets of regret, and biweekly desperate prayer at the health clinic away.

Now, I know your first year (and your second through sixth) can be tough at times. We’ve all been there: Stumbling our way through the byzantine catacombs of UTK’s massive expanse, a labyrinthine metropolis rivaled only by the callous, mechanical bureaucracy that keeps it afloat. Sitting in your room, all alone on a Friday night, as everyone cooler, smarter, and definitely thinner that you are is off enjoying the best times one can have in their life. Franticly studying at 4:56 AM as the one test that will decide whether you pass or fail at a chance to ever be happy inches closer like a relentless pendulum of pedagogy (with five minute breaks every two hours for a good cry, of course).

But don’t worry, I have a few helpful tips (like all upper classmen, I am nothing if not perpetually benevolent).

1. Make friends: In high school, you formed friendships that would last a lifetime. So while your high school b.f.f. up north is having the time of their life with their new, infinitely superior friends, be sure to at least marginally ingratiate yourself with the utter strangers who make up your new home (it’s not awkward, it’s bonding!). But you’d better hurry! If you don’t find people who will like you within the first week, there’s a 95% chance that no one else will ever care about you again.

2. Find yourself: College is all about developing a sense of who you really are as a person. Are you the perennial failure your parents secretly dread? Are you a superficial shell of a human whose friends all insult them behind their back? Or are you a Business Major? Only time, extensive experimentation, and failure after brutal failure will tell.

3. Connect with your professor: Sure, you’re one of between thirty and eight hundred forty eight students that your professor has to pretend to remember, but that doesn’t mean you don’t matter! Follow them out of class and pitch them that idea for that novel/screenplay you’ve always wanted to write. Always loudly agree with everything they say in class. And ask as many syllabus related questions as possible. This will ensure you many letters of recommendation, without which you will never be hired, selected, or even remotely considered for anything higher than nightshift at Starbucks.

4. Pick a Major: And fast! If you don’t decide upon an area of study that will determine the focal point for the entirety of your professional career within your first semester, you might never graduate. Did you know the average student changes their major 2.8 times? Did you know the average student WILL NEVER BE LOVED? True story.

Finally, be sure to obsess over every doubt and worry that comes your way. If you don’t, you may find yourself able to relax and benefit from the opportunities you’ll be granted. In fact, if worse comes to worst, you might even enjoy this whole “college” thing. And, believe me: nothing could be worse than that.