3.3

I wondered, as I watched UTK practically give away a perfectly good football game to a program less fortunate than themselves (that kind of donation is tax deductible, right?), whether it would be prudent to invest in the pitchfork and torches industry. Nothing says “I paid 3 million dollars and all I got was one stupid overtime?” like an angry mob! Mob justice may not be the most rational route, but it certainly makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Unless, you know, you’re the unfortunate individual at the other end of the pitchfork , in which case you’re probably just warm and fuzzy on the outside (depending on what type of feathers you use for your tar, of course; I suggest emu).

But believe it or not, valued reader, the UTK loss was not the only tragedy this nation endured as Labor Day weekend came to a final, ever so hurtful close. It also marked the beginning of that acme of pageantry, that apex of the perplex, that height of the trite, that highest of the, um, sighest (?)… the Presidential Election season!

I know, I know. “But Dylan!” you cry in confusion, desperately hoping for some powerful, soothing force to tell you it was all a joke, to placate your rapidly building trepidation. “I thought the presidential election had been going on for years! Surely, by now, we’ve faced the worst! Surely we can pause, calmly collect our thoughts, and go forth to fulfill our patriotic duty with the utmost rationality and good intentions! Surely we don’t have two more months of this horrible exercise in systematic cynical disillusionment! Surely-” O poor reader, don’t struggle! It only makes our tormentors enjoy our demise all the more.

Sob and cry as we might, we cannot alter the undeniable. As an Environmental Science Major might say, “This scat just got real!”

Dear, sweet reader, I wish I could tell you that within the confines of this sacred wordspace, you would find sweet, blessed respite from the raging storm of political chaos outside. I truly do! But to do so would be to deny one’s self a golden opportunity for scorn, derision, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of sincere analysis (alas, as our aforementioned football team will attest, no one is perfect). Quite simply, it is a train wreck too elegant, a tumor too malevolent, a drama too bitingly poignant to pass by.

And so, I introduce to you our main players of the forthcoming madness, marionettes, perhaps, doomed to be drowned by the dissonant background of shrieks and wails that make up our realm of public discourse (I am but one crow in this cacophonous calamity, but caw, nevertheless, I can).

First, Barack Obama, a man with the structural integrity to simultaneously exist as a closeted Muslim extremist advised by a rabid Christian holyman while preparing for his ascent into the Hallowed Halls of History as “The One True Executive” before he has received even a single electoral vote. Fear his black anger while questioning his ability to protect us! Challenge his experience while mocking his petty degrees and decade of elected service! And respect his commitment to women’s issues while marveling at his personal erection of the New and Improved Glass Ceiling!

Then there’s John McCain, a tough, crusty veteran knocking on death’s door. A maverick with strong conservative values! A straight-talker who can’t stop talking to you straightly about how terrible his opponents are! A compassionate man who knows the free market knows what’s best for you! And a smiling joker who’s, quite frankly, a bit of a jackass.

Finally, the VP candidates. Our comic relief. There’s Joe Biden, an agent of change who’s so experienced that just about the only thing he hasn’t done during his decades of service is held a different job. A loquacious bloviator after my own heart, he sticks his foot into his mouth so often he’s practically bulimic.

And there’s McCain’s recent choice of Sarah Palin, an action practically affirming his unselfish commitment to get a woman elected while only asking his name remain on top of the ticket (it's only alphabetical,baby). She’s young, inexperienced, and ready to take Washington head on, admirable qualities in anyone unless they, you know, run against you.

So there you have it. Our play, our fodder, our wordstuffs for the next two months. Two people striving valiantly to see who gets to be blamed for the inevitable failures of the next four years and two others striving valiantly to see who gets to be the footnote in the slightly larger, bolded font. Would that we all could, someday, strive to reach such heights ourselves…

Enjoy the show.