3.4

Often when pressed, a lover of the past, or pastophile (not to be confused with a pasteophile or pastaphile), will utter the hallowed phrase “history repeats itself.” This is usually to defend their long studies and even longer lectures regarding what Western Civilization was up to before we had facebook, Oprah, and “My Little Meth Labs.” Of course, even though it often seems as if the only thing being repeated is the phrase itself, during election season it can sometimes be consoling to remember that ruined dreams, agonizing defeats, and soulcrushing political slugfests are hardly novel phenomena. To use another cliché, misery loves company, and elections love misery.

Here’s a bit of trivia that may have slipped through the cracks over the past few months: John McCain was a POW in Vietnam. Who knew? Well, apparently, he’s not alone. In fact, three of the last four losers in presidential elections were veterans too! That means, if the “not supporting troops = unpatriotic = hates America” theorem holds true (and it hasn’t failed yet), that America hates itself.

Oh, America. No wonder you’re consuming yourself to death. What you need is a night on the town. Put on some makeup, change some elected officials, and get back to invading foreign countries like the good old days! This whole “occupation” thing just isn’t cutting it. You always knew you weren’t ready for that kind of commitment! So why not have another fling? You know, for old time’s sake. I mean, we haven’t sponsored a regime change in South America for awhile. Those were always good times. And clandestine, too! All I’m saying is help me, help you, help the military-industrial complex.

America’s emo phase aside, John McCain has something those other jokers didn’t have: a hot redneck. Sure, she’s not from the South, but, really, when you think about, what’s the difference between a moose and a deer? With a big enough, fast enough pickup, the roadkill comes out about the same in the end. That’s the kind of expertise you need to get to the White House. Just ask Bubba and Dubya (by the way, best morning radio show ever? Yeehaw, indeed.).

But what of Barack Obama? How will history screw him over? Well, here’s another fun fact that’s kinda flown under the radar: he’s black. It’s sometimes hard to see, and you might have to wait until the light is juuust right, but maybe, just maybe, you can tell. It’s perfectly understandable if you’ve missed it; he’s been trying to hide it for, like, four years. I mean, he even had the guile to have a white mother! Politicians, eh? Always so crafty…

More obvious troubles, though, lay in geography: we haven’t elected a Democratic president from anywhere but the South in forty-eight years. And even that guy managed to talk funny! To makes matters worse, the guy he beat ended up president anyway. Hey, if things turn out bad, maybe McCain can do it too. I mean, what’s eight more years when you’ve already got seventy two? (Umm… seventy six? Heck if I know, I’m an English Major; ask an engineer!)

So, there you have it. Whoever ends up losing the next election will be carrying on a respectable tradition of electoral ineptitude. After all, for every president we’ve elected, we’ve had a fair share of hapless schmucks to cloud up the charts in the textbooks. And almost all of those schmucks had millions of followers tragically sobbing their way into obscurity alongside them.

But hey, it’s not all bad news. You know, some people are probably relishing this. Chances are, not too long ago in the constipated bowels of a history department not so far away, some nerd was probably thinking, “What WOULD happen if Bob Dole and Adlai Stevenson had a loser take all grudge match?” I guess some wishes really do come true.