Column 3

Friends, I have some disturbing information that, for your very security, I feel necessary to divulge. There is a growing threat in America. A threat more in your face than homosexuality, more irritating than parking tickets when you were only inside for ten goddamn minutes, and more of a threat to the established social order than reptiles on commercial airlines. I am speaking, friends, of bumper stickers.

Particularly, there is one bumper sticker that, if it has its way, may change the very fabric of American society as we know it. This bumper sticker: "Support Our Troops."

Now, if I know college students like I believe I know college students, I know what you're thinking: "I say, old boy, this does sound a tad seditious! My delicate sensibilities are most incensed. I do believe I'll begin composing a well-written, civil rebuttal to such a questionable assertion!" But dear compatriot, you have me all wrong.

It's not that I'm against our troops. Far from it. It's just that the implications of supporting them can be pretty inconvenient. For instance. Way back when, before television and broken dreams, there was a minor brouhaha commonly called "World War II". Yes, it was a different, simpler era, when madmen wanted to kill lots of folks, the world community was naïve and uncooperative, and the President of the time couldn't ride a bicycle. Ah, the good ole days.

Perhaps, because that President couldn't really do anything but run the country (pun quite intended), he decided "Well, what the hell? Why not try to get the government to accomplish something for a change?" So he devised lots of programs that involved confusing "letters" and "social goals" that probably led to the utter devastation of our economy (as progressive programs always do).

Then we got bombed. And this President was like "Oh no you didn't!" and this dude Hitler and his friends were like "*Something in German*" and the President was like "What?" and Hitler was like "I'mma bombenfraug England." So he did. It's not that we necessarily disagreed with world domination or sticking it to the limeys, we just wanted to do it on our terms: with savvy marketing campaigns and old-school hypocrisy. Hence, we went to war.

The President was all "Hey, guys, let's support the troops." And the American people, who were so malnourished from eating only their shoes and family pets for the past ten years, were like "Ok." So there were all sorts of unheard of things like "resource rations" and "taxes" and "united patriotic fervor" all up in that hood. Now, as poor college students who can't even afford to upgrade to large sodas, we don't really understand why this is such a big deal, so let me put it this way: When all those soldiers were overseas, do you know what they weren't doing? Their girlfriends. That's right. No one was having sex. Truly, they were the horniest generation.

So you may be thinking, "Gee, I too would like to have sex." And I would say unto you, "Wrong periodical." But you may also be thinking, "Hey, what do World War II, abstinence, and non-bicycle riding Presidents have to do with me?" Inspired by the aforementioned bumper stickers, I, too, would like to demonstrate my dedication to the men and women fighting for our country. So, in a show of solidarity, I am suggesting a "No Sex til the Troops Come Home" law. Everyone who won't comply will be charged extra "taxes" to "pay for things" like "armor and food and guns." So you have a choice: you can either a) not have sex, b) pay more taxes, or c) encourage politicians not to get embroiled in affairs requiring military action in the first place. Oh, the difficult decisions of our day.