Season 2, Column 2

I’m afraid to say it, but this past week, I had a crisis of faith. Not in the religious sense, of course; those sorts of things only happen to drug addicts, prostitutes (sans golden hearts), and anyone else our beloved Judeo-Christian God decides to smite during His brutal campaign to establish himself as America’s Top Deity. (Did you see last week when Zeus got voted off?! Positively electrifying!) No, my crisis of faith involved a different kind of deity. I’m afraid to say it, but I have lost my faith in the Republican Party.

Now, generally I try not to sully my column with “current events” or “relevance.” Quite frankly, I think they’re both fads. But this week, I was taken aback. You see, third term Senator Larry Craig (R-ID-47-HUT!) pled guilty to a misdemeanor involving lascivious conduct, a men’s bathroom, and an undercover cop. (Recipe for a buddy flick? Hells yes; it’s already in postproduction!)

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t really mind a US Senator (particularly the socially conservative, pro-“family values” type) being convicted of a crime. I mean, the ones they’re not convicted of are much, much worse; who am I to pick and choose? But, believe it or not, the thing that gets me is the whole “gay sex” thing. He started out so family valuable, and then, well things (he) went straight to hell.

But he’s not alone! There was Congressman Ed Schrock (R-VA-CUUM) who did something with a gay phone line (I didn’t even know phone lines could love!). And who can forget Congressman Mark Foley (R[O]-FL) who did that thing with pages (I really don’t know what’s wrong with that, I mean, who doesn’t love books?). And there are others, probably, but I don’t get paid [to research].

The point is: What the hell? I began to wonder: maybe all that anti-gay legislation and posturing was just a queer way of playing coy (so to speak). Could it be… Are all Republicans gay?!?

But, of course, that’s ridiculous. I mean, look at Senator David Vitter (R-LA-TI-DO). He at least had the decency to hire a female prostitute. So maybe it’s not a gay thing at all. Maybe Republicans just don’t like wives.

But, again, another dead end. Senator Fred Thompson (R-Next Door) likes wives so much he’s had two. And Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R-Knight who says NY) completed the hat trick and has had three! It just doesn’t make any sense.

Now, anyone who knows me knows I’d hate to bash the Republican Party. And I certainly don’t care much for the Democrat Party (I lost faith in them awhile ago). But it’s one thing to say you’re for family values and kill a dude (and/or a stripper). Or consume alcoholic beverages and then operate heavy machinery (except washing machines; Lord knows drunks need washing machines). Or snort cocaine while beating your children. Or steal millions from your constituents. Or accept bribes for preferential legislative treatment. Or be a Florida fan. But it’s quite another to have sexual relations [without your wife].

It’s almost enough to make me think that Republicans aren’t all they claim. Maybe they’re not holy at all. Hell, they may not even be better than the rest of us. In fact, they might be human. They might even be flawed. And, for all I know, they may have feelings too (stranger things, amiright?).

I’m even tempted to say that “family values” we hear about aren’t matters of sex, violence, and “purity” but respect, support, and love. Maybe a family is something that loves about you and supports you even when you make mistakes, are dissatisfied with life, or love somebody else who happens to wear the same type of underwear you do.

But, unlike Senator Craig’s, I think that’s a temptation we can all comfortably resist.